My happy complex

Guess wat i discovered yest! my legs look kinda nice coz of my new calf muscles. *proud smile*
Lol.. Im so allergic to any kinda out-of-the-way body movements, that im so proud of my first muscle! sounds bit stupid but i really feel a sense of achievement.. which i have nvr felt before! its coz i walk every day. *smiles happily*
Its just that Ive nvr known thin. Ive nvr been fat either. But im more aquainted wit fat than thin.
Ive being having incomprehendable weight issues for my whole life now. I mean i cudnt care enough to eat less or work out.. yet im like obsessed wit how fat i look in the mirror all the time.. It doesnt bother me but it bothers me!
some weird dude said i hav a "nice plumpy figure" which i was supremely grossed out by. Shrill aunties from church go like, "oh uve really pulled down." ( im thinking was i that huge before. Fcuk u! shrill aunties).
bro1 sees green sari photos of me n says smthn like" Mol u really need to do smthn or ull be obese in the next 2oyrs".. n then theres my Mom. If I wrote a book titled "Why I have a happy complex" (which was wud be exceedingly boring to read coz nobody wud get it except me), my mom wud take up half the book herself. Sometimes, shes direct and rude " Moley, endhiru thadiya (u look so fat). At other times, when she's frusturated, she says " U almost look like me now, do u know how I used to look at ur age?" At other subtle moments, she glances at me very worriedly. All of which mildly bothered me. A weird mix of amusement and mock shock and worry.
And then when I used to stay at Owls place. N all my friends clothes were half my size.. that one kinda freaked me out very much. That after i got home, i ate so little, my mom was concerned.
Its like a happy complex. I dont care, but oh i do.
I blame it on my weird fitness freaky family.. stressing on the important of exercise blah blahs befor i cud walk or smthn. n all those being the butt of "eat but dont move!" jokes.. I mean bro2 sent me a birthday card once, with a pic of a cute bald fat cartoon man.. i remember coz i still have it "Never neglect the 4 basic food groups" Open card.Fat man pigging out on lots of brown gooey stuff. " choc brownies, choc mousse, choc truffle... " And he's sweetly added a note too: "yeah dont forget chicken,fish,mutton,eggs, beef.. " Like wat the fcuk! how do u think that psychologically affected my underdevelopeed 7yr old brain!
Calling dead Dr. Freud. Ah wait, he wants to know whther i had any sexual thoughts bout food coz they way i connect eat food n sex n can say a lot bout my psyche.
I embrace my happy complex. It gives me sufficient reason to obsess about my weight witout giving a damn. N I love my calf muscles.. heh