Some vacant thoughts

• I feel pretty dull and loveless n down right now. Suprise suprise! I never knew how to spell suprise.
• Comfortably numb makes me feel like im floating.
• My new bright pink phone cover makes me feel like a Reese Witherspoon wannabe.
• Im sick of goin online everyday and seeing no-one to talk to.. just like the rest of my life.
• Right now i look like a racoon coz of all the smudged kajal.
• My leg is really scratching like hell.
• I get excited when somebody, anybody leaves a comment on my blog.
• I wish i had a couple more siblings so that my folks can shift attention to them instead of concentrating on making me a better person.
• I dont wanna admit to anyone that this mba coaching thing is prob a big mistake.
• I sincerely wish I could live my life singing.
• Im dissapointed that my famous movie kiss is from spiderman(!) according to blogthings.com. How utterly stupid.
• Tori amos is one very cool singer.
• I wish I lived in a movie.
• Today i think i looked nice when i went out.
• I dint know World cup football wud excite me so much. umm, does anybody get teary eyed listening to them singing their nat anthem before each game?
• I love the video of rush-paula abdul. Very chick types.. corny but appealing. And Keanu Reeves is cuter with long-ish hair. Came up coz im listening to the song right now.
• I hope the 1yr course im gonna do is gonna have some nice ppl. I dont care, guess im shallow n a snob.
• Sometimes Eddie Veder's growling gets to me.
• I wish it snowed in India.
• I really need to not-live-in-wit-folks anymore.
• I hate this sweet n helful but smug bitch in my cat class who gets everything really quick.
• I get inspired when I read poetry.
• I feel like a lonely soul swimming in a fish bowl yr after yr.
• The Kinks never fail to make me feel happy. So Im not listening to them on purpose.
• Tazz n I have the same names for each other which is actly a bit gay, if it wasnt us.
• I realise for the most part, ppl tend to be narrow minded, bout the thing that matters most to them.
• I wonder why my backyard looks like a small forest.
• Im contemplating getting my nose pierced. Ouch it just hurt when i said that. do u realise how realistic the word pierced is? Like grumpy and mellow and fuck. Esp, to say fuck u.
• I think the theme song for my life shd be Erase and rewind. Actly, think thats dramatic. But, i enjoy saying things like this.
• I like the fact that im a deep person.
• Thank you for loving me- bon jovi. Nvr liked the song so much coz it was just another typical mush song.. but I realise how important the phrase is. To say it.
• I felt very depressed going back to college with nobody around.
• Satin bedsheets are sexy.
• I dont care wat anybody says, Richard Marx is really sweet when ur in the mood. Cmon wats wrong with being sensitive? girls dig ( im Archie) sensitive guys!
• By the way, all guys who say Coldplay/Marooon 5/James Blunt is gay, say that coz dont wanna admit they love their songs.
• I wonder why my mom always screams at the top of her voice all the time.
• Only cool ppl are supposed to watch cool movies.
• I wish knowing to play the guitar was a rare thing.
• Wish i lived in the same country as bro1 n 2, atleast.
• Apparently, dogging is a brit term for having sex in public.
• To this day I fail to understand wat tazz n sonja have so much in common. When the only thing we both have in common is that we'r both girls. oh yea i forgot ppl bond over getting high. reason enough then.
• Im lucky to have a dad who uses his intellect to help his kids. when i look around I see most dads dont have that.
• I really need to have a bath right now.
• This carpet is really ugly, so r the cushion covers.My home is gonna ebe nicely decorated.

The above are my continous stream of thoughts, just before i got up to have a bath.

Strawberry fields forever..

Yesterday i went thru my old cds looking for something to play. When i found the Beatles double cds 62-66 and 67-70. And listening to them after yrs of no-looking-back, was uplifting and strangely liberating.. i had forgotten how awesome they were in all the indie awakeness n new music appreciation.

At this point I rem goin to a Beatles tribute concert thing at the Unwind, back in the begining of 1st yr.. 2 girls, both called Nivedita. When i think of it, are the strangest ppl really coz i nvr hung out wit them much after that one night.I guess, one night of bonding with beatles music session was all that was. Anyway, that night was a lot of fun.. screaming n singing along in the first row.. they way i get totally psyched to be listening to smthn im literally turned on by.( not sexual u can stop thinking). One of those really fun memories which i wudv forgotten if i had not started this tribute to beatles post...

The best part bout their music, is that they make u feel their journey with them, which is very evident once u listen along...
This is their journey as I see it..
Starting from singing corny but cute love songs as a pop act as in 'love me do' and 'she loves u'.. to large rock n roll influences seen in mid 60s like 'paperback writer' and ' drive my car'.. Then came a lotta LSD n marijuana n heroin ( psst.. Apparently Dylan offered these guys pot in 1964.. in a New York City hotel room when he as a consequence of his misconception that the lyrics in their song 'I Want to Hold Your Hand' were 'I get high' instead of 'I can't hide'. )

N if u notice all the offbeat stuff came after this.. like an Indian twang thrown in now n then like 'norwegian wood'..
Next, all all the hallucinogenic(spelling?) substance experimentation famously manifested in 'yellow submarine' ' i am the walrus' 'strawberry fields'..
more experimentation.. n they slowly start evolving into relatively more thoughtful lyrics n mood from 'eleanor rigby' to the 'fool on the hill'..
Then they became thoroughly wasted n starting singing bout intense moody stuff (yea both dont go, but i guess it happens?).. could also be coz of Lennon's increasing political activism..i dunno which happend when..
Some of which stirred political controversies like 'back in the USSR' not to mention the inspiring ones which still work their magic 40yrs later.. 'Let it be' 'hey jude' and the wistful edge i always assoicate to some beatles music like 'in my life' and 'yesterday' and' the long n winding road'..

The coolest thing bout their music is its diversity.. to make each song different from the rest. They managed to make and sustain a unique sound in spite of all the commecialisation.

So from the so called heart-throb boys singing 'ooh i feel so fine'.. progressing into weird darker trips.. singing bout yellow submarines and lady madonna and the magical mystry tour and the octopus's garden n world peace and pshyched out disillusionment and regrets.. their growing social awareness reflected in their progession of their music paving the way for their influence to be felt alongside the social and cultural revolutions of the 60s..


Words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass,
they slip away across the universe.
Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai Guru De Va Om
Nothing’s gonna change my world
Nothing’s gonna change my world.

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious. Overall, your true self is passionate and physical. With friends, you seem dramatic, lively, and quick to react. In love, you seem mysterious and interesting. In stressful situations, you seem sad and helpless.

What Do People Think Of Your Face?

My comments -

- PPl think i look driven and ambitious? Thats a good thing. right?
- Does physical mean i touch ppl a lot?
- This I fully agree with
- Mysterious? like an arabic beauty behind a veil? More like very blah n in ur face.
- Depends on how stressful it is.

The story of Rigidgirl

People say that your dreams are the only things that save ya.
Come on baby in our dreams, we can live our misbehaviour.

A msg sent by me from a song I love. I dont know why I ache when I hear it. A myriad of unspoken images come to mind..

Can i tell u a story about a happy girl. Lets call her rigidgirl. Rigidgirl was seemingly happy while growing up. Many things have happened in her life which her family finds weird n conflicting with their beliefs. Rigidgirl assures them, but not quite herself.

Is she a bad person? Is she just not born in the right family? Will she go to hell after shes dead? Is smthn wrong with her? It took time for her to to know wher the problem really lies. She becomes aware of something.
A realisation that she can never be free. That essentially, she will think, feel, act like shes guided by a set of, wat do u call it? Inborn instructions?? But, deep inside her to a place, no one will ever know, exists the real her. But, rigidgirl doesnt have the guts to be the real her. Other ppl r way too important to her. She is not her own person to rebel and face the consequences.

And somewher along the way, she met a boy. A crazy boy who made her laugh.( not that she was unhappy all the time or was in depression or anything). A boy who did the craziest thing and belived it was ok to do the craziest things. To the rigid girl, ( who was actly not rigid in her head) the boy was shocking. But secretly, he thrilled her. She had never met someone so comfortable with who he was.. So spontaneous, so wild, so boundary less.. so free-spirited. Hell, this was good for the rigidgirl. Witout both the boy and girl knowing it crazy boy opened up rigidgirls mind... expanded her horizon from plain orange to red and purple n crimson n scarlet n mauve n yellow n red n pink n god knows wat more colours she imagined a sunset wud have.. Crazyboy gave her his free spirit in strong doses. But, Conformity had creeped into her soul too strongly. She is more comfortable with wat appears to be her than the real her.

Its strange really. How did someone grow up this way? She has wondered wistfully. To not have the strength of mind to live like who she really is. But, she is often comforted by the fact, that the truly free never exist, that each one is bound down by his/her shortcomings. Maybe this is hers. Something which still bothers her from time to time.

Rigidgirl is pretty settled in now. And, has come to terms with herself, contrary to her inner struggle during her growin up years. She knows that, she will always feel more comfortable with only wat others percieve her to be.

Crazyboy cant help her be free. But crazyboy is the closest shes ever comes to being free. Everytime she wants to find hope in her crazy crazy dreams she calls on crazyboy and they take the ride together. As long as she always has crazyboy.. With him, she can always live her misbehaviour..

Amores Perros

So is the distance.

What's on my mind?

Just hung up with Tazz. Left me feeling hurt n neglected n uncared for n irritated and sad. Our times together, Ive noted have always been.. 2 weeks of absolute happiness alternating with 2 weeks of pinpricks n petty pissed offness..
He got accepted to 3 of his 4 universities in the UK by da way. Im really happy for him. I dont know why but that conversation we just had dint gel at all. He was so happy, he was goin psycho n saying some happy nonsense. I usually find that cute. I even find his obnoxious comments cute. I even find his "im so much cooler than everyone" things cute. But, today I just dint find it cute.
It really really worries me. i cant sleep without telling someone.His excitement at goin to the UK to study also kinda scares me. I dont want him going over the edge which im expecting. ( If he knows this, he'l say how can u not be anything but happy for me?)

Im not blaming him, how can I? I havent told him what i think yet. That i think he's doing a lot of things wrong. That i think i dont find somethings funny anymore. That i think he has serious charecter flaws which I think he has to work on. That he's never gonna grow if he doesnt listen to other people? That Im extremely scared of seeing something major happening to him to make him realise all this?

Thats wats been bothering me about tazz lately. I did get half of it across on msgr once.. but it did not hav any effect other than "So, ur also against me now, who else do i have? " reaction or smthn.. I did write a whole mail about how i felt n just when i was about to send, power goes and I havent felt bad enuf to express myself, except now.

And finally, he explains why he's so psycho-happy. "Im just designing the cover of my book.. " blah blah blah we talk about that. After which he goes like " Oh i forgot to tell u my books getting published.. haha.. but i hate the way in which it is.. " Im like "whoa wat??really?! i cant believe u dint tell me.. " So he says, yea ive known for 2 days now, and im really hungry.. n the maid waiting for me.. long story cant tell u now." and im like genuinely hurt. Ive been thru the entire birth n life of his manuscript.. n how can he forget to tell me smthn which is possibly gonna be the most important moment in his life! thats not like him at all.. Not like us at all. We'r usually extremely wrapped in each others lives. He heard me sounding a bit down n he's like, " Kuts, can u not take away my happiness n kill the only happy day i have" ( or smthn like that). And I was like "I cant believe u dint tell me, Im gonna hang up so that i dont ruin ur happy day." And he's like "yea..bye u already did" I was crushed.
And its weird, he dint even msg back saying smthn comforting.

Maybe Im over-reacting, maybe my yearning soul is too needy of love and assurance all the time. i dont know. I dont know, whose wrong n whose not.
Just that, I constantly need love, attention, thoughtfulness in my life.. n i sometimes i wonder if he'd give me it, all my life thru.

Of course i think of his miserable existence at home, but i swear id give him the same if i were in his place. I mean, im totally a kinda person who wud go outta the way.. even beyond caring for me, to care for someone i love.
Every emotion he feels I do too. I feel miserable when he's sad. Elated when he's happy. Troubled when he has his worries. All for what?

Yeah, so that how i feel. I think the worst part about me is. I expect too much outta love. I guess this is my idea of what love is all about.
Maybe this is one of the downs of the roller coaster ride called love. But, I admit this time left me feeling far more affected and disgruntled and empty.

My happy complex

Guess wat i discovered yest! my legs look kinda nice coz of my new calf muscles. *proud smile*
Lol.. Im so allergic to any kinda out-of-the-way body movements, that im so proud of my first muscle! sounds bit stupid but i really feel a sense of achievement.. which i have nvr felt before! its coz i walk every day. *smiles happily*
Its just that Ive nvr known thin. Ive nvr been fat either. But im more aquainted wit fat than thin.
Ive being having incomprehendable weight issues for my whole life now. I mean i cudnt care enough to eat less or work out.. yet im like obsessed wit how fat i look in the mirror all the time.. It doesnt bother me but it bothers me!
some weird dude said i hav a "nice plumpy figure" which i was supremely grossed out by. Shrill aunties from church go like, "oh uve really pulled down." ( im thinking was i that huge before. Fcuk u! shrill aunties).
bro1 sees green sari photos of me n says smthn like" Mol u really need to do smthn or ull be obese in the next 2oyrs".. n then theres my Mom. If I wrote a book titled "Why I have a happy complex" (which was wud be exceedingly boring to read coz nobody wud get it except me), my mom wud take up half the book herself. Sometimes, shes direct and rude " Moley, endhiru thadiya (u look so fat). At other times, when she's frusturated, she says " U almost look like me now, do u know how I used to look at ur age?" At other subtle moments, she glances at me very worriedly. All of which mildly bothered me. A weird mix of amusement and mock shock and worry.
And then when I used to stay at Owls place. N all my friends clothes were half my size.. that one kinda freaked me out very much. That after i got home, i ate so little, my mom was concerned.
Its like a happy complex. I dont care, but oh i do.
I blame it on my weird fitness freaky family.. stressing on the important of exercise blah blahs befor i cud walk or smthn. n all those being the butt of "eat but dont move!" jokes.. I mean bro2 sent me a birthday card once, with a pic of a cute bald fat cartoon man.. i remember coz i still have it "Never neglect the 4 basic food groups" Open card.Fat man pigging out on lots of brown gooey stuff. " choc brownies, choc mousse, choc truffle... " And he's sweetly added a note too: "yeah dont forget chicken,fish,mutton,eggs, beef.. " Like wat the fcuk! how do u think that psychologically affected my underdevelopeed 7yr old brain!
Calling dead Dr. Freud. Ah wait, he wants to know whther i had any sexual thoughts bout food coz they way i connect eat food n sex n can say a lot bout my psyche.
I embrace my happy complex. It gives me sufficient reason to obsess about my weight witout giving a damn. N I love my calf muscles.. heh

The road often wandered

Few parts of Ex-me :

- I Wanted to start over. Excel in everything. Was higly enthusiastic.
- VirginBride and I were inseperable and wanted to give out free fashion advice to ppl who we thought desperately needed it at college.
- Was intensely critical about people, judgemental, grouping people into categories quite unfairly.
-Used excessive facial expression and body language like body shakes, flinging of hands, imitating any person forgetting my feminity, loud voiced, screeching, giggling, screaming, squirming, smirking.. etc to express myself.
- Constantly (sub-consciously) looked out for a boyfriend.
-Hated folks, hated everything they say. They made my life hell.
-Thought id never find friends in college. Thought my school friends r the only ones.
-Did not ever analyze my actions.
-Was dying to drink, smoke, party but shocked when ppl my age did so.
-Was against homosexuality, transexuality.. and all alternative lifestyles.
-Listened to classic rock only.
-Thought en was the coolest person in class to be friends with coz everybody else was not upto my standards.
- I did not understand my religon.
-Never became friends with fake ppl.
-Was not aware that it was possible to be friends with a guy.
-Never knew guys mistake every innocent gesture/remark for flirtariousness.
-Felt guilty bout some things, n wud go on feeling guilty about it, even after i knew it was gone, forgotten, over.
- dint know i was not fat.

The same few parts of me, now:

- Ive given up starting over. I don't care for excelling in anything except in what im passionate about which im still searching for. Im so laid back i scare myself.
-VirginBride n I dont hang out that much anymore and give a fcuk bout our fashion sense blah blahs if u can call it that.
- Am not so quick to form opinions about ppl. Atleast ive improved.. If i judge, its only after i get a small hint of wat theyre really like.
- Its reduced like a lot, although i make an awesome variety of faces to express myself, they say. But, the giggling is not goin away. i smirk n giggle at all the wrong moments. I got that frm Mom.
- I literally feel married. in a good way.
-Folks are the most awesome and important ppl in my life. I gave them too little credit when i was growing up.I see everything they told me coming true before my eyes. Even though they still annoy me with their moral consciousness and old time ways, I respect them the most above everyone else.
-well, I did find friends in college.N Im not in touch with any of school friends.
-Analyze my past actions a lot, present too.
-Did all that.Im past being scandalised now.
-Do not support it, but do not vehemently oppose it. Boys dont cry opened my eyes a little.
-Listen to a lot of varied stuff.. accepted post 90s stuff to a large extent.
-I realized i was the coolest person in class to hang out with and nobody else was upto my standards.
- I totally understand how my religon works.
- I dont mind so much being friends with fake ppl.. coz we all have a little fakeness in us afterall.
- Sure its possible to be friends with a guy. Just not for long though.
-Doubt most guys. Guys are bastards except a few nice ones.
-Some things still prick me, but not as much as before.
-Think im not thin.

hmm..

The drugs don't work

I had no idea wat to name this post. So its after a verve song! who by the way, I dint know were anti-substance enough to sing about it. (!)
but thats not the point really. Now onward with the bitching.

I feel like im being tugged from both ends of the rope. Clearly, looking up drug abuse sites for information is not helping at all. In fact, everythingin there is irritating me. n scaring me. Irritating me coz i cant accept all that apparent brain damage to somone i love very much.or smthn. I wonder if all of them give actual info or aim at scaring ppl. Im begining to think its the latter. It all started when i read up an article in the paper bout this and started gettin v.paranoid. Everyone remembers these things only when some fcuked up politicians son goes over the edge.

I dont know why im getting so freaked out bout this. Its like some weird feeling that I havent been able to shake off ever since reading the damn article. a premonition of something big to come.. If i dint feel that way, i wudnt be half as bothered. Just that I dont want Tazz to spend the rest of his life in regret.
I wudnt be suprised is half of his problems are caused by it over last 3 yrs.. i mean who can tell? who can ever tell? there is absolutely no hard n fast rule when dealing with dangerous substances. How much ever u say u know all about it..

I used to be very dead against it.. till well i got so used to hearing ppl talking bout them.. i think it made me ok wit it too.. in fact eager to try it all out even. Its like i lost the old me. Sometimes I miss the old me. But change is inevitable.. its coz im all too accepting of everything all the time.

U know why i wud care? coz someone i know thinks its all cool. that his word is THE word and that things can never affect him. u know y i think his word is The word? coz he nvr accepts anyone else's word.
Wats worse is.. he's so sick of his fcuked up existence that im scared he'd go over the edge one day. Like the other night he told me bout. when actly i shd be freakd out i was actly happy he got a break.
Wats way worse is.. He doesnt know his limits. He knows he doesnt know his limits. He predicts fcuking up a lot before making it big in the end(!!)
Yea all of those 3.. really are the scariest.

What i fail to understand.. how can anybody say such a thing? willing it to happen? ur creating ur own destiny here.. what will happen will happen is it? is everything pre-determined in our lives then?
why fcuk up till u cant no more? Y fcuk with ur life.. Worst part about love is every single action of urs affects somebody else who cares for u. If only it dint do that.. If only u dont have to drag everyone else into the mess. U cant wish it away. U cant say Please leave me alone, Please dont care for me.. like thats even humanly possible.

Sometimes its quite funny when i think about it actly, when we'r supposed to live life with all its ups n downs.. man goes out to find ways to stimulate those ups n downs whenever he wants it. One upmanship with God is it? dont even ask me what ups n downs have to go with God. But I hav some strong convictions bout this that I argue with ppl about and never end up convincing anyone..

You know, deep down, I really respect VirginBride. She once told me u dont need to drink to have fun. I scoffed at her..

I do realise i sound very un-hip to all u stoners out der.. Now that Ive become my own mom and lost my youth.. i go back to what Ive been feeling...

Todays Generation is so fcuked up! and im so part of it.

signing off.

Bright guys finish last.

And hell, it worries me.

I saw this on someones blog, so this is how my list goes :

7 things I plan to do :

Learn another instrument.
Go snorkelling.
Watch a play at Broadway.
Go to a nude beach n try it.
Experiment with many different kinds of alcohol.
Get a brazillian done.
Sing in a band.


7 things i can do :

Make music.
Enjoy all kinds of food.
Appreciate art.
Observe people.
Fold my tongue in half. (cool huh)
Make people miss me.
Find true love.


7 things i cant do :

Work my ass off.
Be high n not laugh or cry.
Grow my nails.
Smile a lot.
Be thin.
Live too far awy from family.
Be the lonely girl who sings the moody blues at the local bar.


7 things I say most often:

or smthn.
yeah right.
aww
wat da fcuk.
ohh shit
damn.
fcuking hell man

How i miss you..

(foo fighters playin now)

i miss love
i miss crying
i miss singing
i miss feeling excited
i miss wanting to be a rockstar
i miss calafornia dreaming wit the beats
i miss eating prawns!
i miss Frenchy when i listen to calafornia dreaming wit the beats
i miss hi5 messages in my inbox
i miss being/feeling hot
i miss acting stupid
i miss regretting acting stupid
i miss hanging out at Owls
i miss first yr wit Virgin Bride
i miss listeing to def leppard n bryan adams n bon jovi
i miss sleepin in class
i miss my movie channels
i miss all those pretty earrings ive lost
i miss every moment wit tazz
i miss my black hair
i miss waking up n dreading college
i miss singing stop crying ur heart out wit Camel.
i miss bonding wit my old friend K
i miss not being in love so tht i can want it again
i miss bitching bout ppl who SUCK
i miss feelin a bit embarrased but affectionate looking at tazz's weird dance moves.
i miss being kissed, touched, hugged.
i miss loving coldplay
i miss sweet valley high.
i miss laughing at fat ppl.
i miss VirginBride n FookyElle commenting thruout the movie n making me miss most of the dialogue.
i miss buying new clothes
i miss playing wit make-up
i miss not studying for a quiz n not being bothered by it
i miss the fear the fcuking western music club put me thru in college.
i miss playing on the swings at my old house, with my first best friend aswina.
i miss wanting to marry leonardo dicaprio.
i miss blabbering on the phone about boys, clothes, make-up blah wit VirginBride all thru from ages 12-15
i miss tazz calling me "his girl"
i miss FookyElles nasty funny comments.
i miss the feeling of freedom i had last yr when i was in hostel.
i miss my old dog who died.
i miss fish fry rice
i miss crying at some old song
i miss my old phone
i miss saying FCUK YOU BITCH out loud in my house
i miss playing solitaire in computer lab n throwing tht ugly apple around.
i miss feeling totally repulsed by some ppl ive met while lingering on the "madras partying scene"
i miss all those afternoons at barista wit tazz.
i miss being high n dancing to the typical popular stuff which i wud hate otherwise.
i miss feeling oh-so-mature and realising a lotta things my last few months at college.
i miss Owl obsessively cleaning her home while we hang out there.
i miss being tired of canteen food.
i miss writing notes in class.
i miss build me up buttercup(listening to it now) coz it reminds me of school
i miss being interested enuf to do my arms n legs.
i miss dressing up
i miss going crazy in shopping malls in the US.
i miss listening to this tape i had in 10th std- slow rock 5.. which i used to listen to evryday coz it reminded me of my past life or smthn.
i miss watchin a really good mal movie. Mal movies these have lost their old charm.
i miss really heavy rain n the smell of it.
i miss listening to " my milkshake brings all the boys to the floor.. "
i miss first few days of college, weirdly.
i miss the other-worldy susan oomen's english classes n smirking at the dumbasses who use words like its part of their normal vocabulary.
i miss being scandalised at girls who smoke, drink and wear skimpy clothes.
i miss chatting wit Guitarguy for long hours online.
i miss the smell of baby powder.
i miss being shocked outta my mind at tazz n his friends many escapades.
i miss bhel puri wit him at gangothri.
i miss wanting to experiance it all.

thats a lot of misses huh.. coz it's a bittersweet symphony, this life...